Police Memorial Services 101
An everyman's guide to grief, honoring the dead, and seeing after the living — for any member of the community who wishes to pay their respects.
The Wisdom Behind This Page
Few individuals better understand the police funeral, and its potential power for healing, than John Cooley, a thirty-year veteran of the Los Angeles Police Department. Through his seminar, The Healing Power of Ceremony and the Police Funeral, Cooley shares his extensive experience and people-oriented insights.
Held across the country, these seminars afford attendees a rare opportunity to focus on sensitive issues that are seldom discussed and often overlooked by agencies amidst a line-of-duty death crisis. They guide participants through the myriad decisions involved in developing their own comprehensive “Line-of-Duty Death Protocol” — and they motivate participants to take action.
The lesson beneath the protocol is simple: ceremony done well carries a community through its hardest day. This page takes that wisdom out of the seminar hall and places it in your hands.
It is vital to develop a Line-of-Duty Death Protocol well in advance of a crisis. Few agency or department administrators have been through a line-of-duty death as active participants, and most funeral homes know even less. But a poorly executed police funeral is an embarrassment to the city, the department, and the officer's family.John Cooley30-year veteran, Los Angeles Police Department
If you are a citizen — or a member of a department — and you wish to honor an officer who has been killed in the line of duty, and this is your first such funeral or memorial service, let this be your primer.
Knowing what to do before, during, and after a service can be difficult, especially if you are personally affected by the loss. While every service is unique, the pages that follow outline a few basic tips to help you know what to do when someone you know loses a loved one.
Begin with “Before the Service”Before the Service
Four kindnesses to offer before anyone gathers.
Include a personal note to offer your condolences. Many families will read these messages again and again for ongoing emotional support. You'll find gentle suggestions on what to write in the “During the Service” chapter below.
Check the obituary, contact the funeral home, or visit the funeral home's website to confirm the service is open to the public. Remember to ask whether there is a viewing — and whether it is appropriate to send flowers or make a charitable donation.
If the family requests a donation to a charitable organization in lieu of flowers, it is important to honor the family's wishes. Generally, information on the charity can be found at the funeral home. If the family does not request a charitable contribution, it is customary to send flowers for the service.
If you are a close friend of the family, a great way to express sympathy is through actions. Volunteer to pick up their dry cleaning, shop for groceries, deliver meals, or even help with household chores. You might offer to make necessary phone calls, or stay at the house to take calls and receive guests while family members make arrangements at the funeral home or cemetery.
During the Service
Six kindnesses for the hours of the service itself.
It's important to dress appropriately for the service. While there is no longer a requirement to wear all black, it is always safe to wear conservative clothing in dark or neutral colors.
Try it — how does a color read at a service?
Tap a swatch to see how it reads at a service.
Arrive at the funeral home, church, synagogue, temple, or chapel at least fifteen minutes before the service is expected to begin. Turn off all cell phones, and all electronic devices that can make noise — such as a watch alarm.
How early will you arrive?
Sign so that the family can have a keepsake of everyone who came to pay their respects. If you attend both the visitation and the funeral, you will most likely sign only once — though some register books are divided into sections for each event, so you may want to ask the funeral home staff whether it is appropriate to sign at each one.
Your signature becomes part of the family's keepsake — a record of who stood with them.
Offer your condolences by giving family members a hug. Remember to keep your words compassionate and sincere.
What to say — a few gentle options
Simple, sincere words are always enough.
While every service is different, it is important to follow the lead of the clergy or main speaker, and participate in the service as appropriate. Whether it is singing along with the music or accepting the invitation to say a few words, participating will not only help you grieve — it will comfort the family.
If asked to speak: stand if you are seated, be mindful of the length of the service and respectful of the time of other guests, and be specific, clear, and concise in your remarks.
If you are part of the funeral procession to a graveside ceremony, turn on your headlights.
In a procession, headlights tell the world that this road belongs to grief — and to honor.
After the Service
Four kindnesses for the days and weeks that follow.
Many family members and close friends will travel to attend the service. Offering transportation to the airport, or around town, is a nice way to ease the burden on the family.
Remember to check in with the family several days after the service — and again once out-of-town guests have returned home. Often, the bereaved simply need someone to talk to, or a moment's distraction from their loss.
Delivering meals helps take the burden off the family, especially if they are hosting out-of-town guests. You may want to consider delivering meals prior to the service as well.
It's important to find creative ways to stay connected, because many times the bereaved will not feel like socializing, or will not want to ask for help. Instead of asking the family if there is anything they need, do something special for them. You can also send flowers, cards, or other mementos that show you are thinking about them.
Instead of saying
“Let me know if there's anything you need.”
Try
“I'm heading to the bakery for fresh bread, and I'll drop off a basket on my way home.”
It asks nothing of the grieving — and gives something anyway.
The Vigil
If you cannot attend a service, you can still stand watch. Light a flame here — in memory of an officer, in solidarity with a family, or simply as a promise that this community remembers.
No flames yet — the first is yours to light.